Fast still stuck I am.

Fast still stuck I am.  I thought perhaps if utter that phrase in a Yoda like manner, I may be less bored of it.

Yoda

But it is not to be.  My stuck-ness has become a part of me that while it is not as itchy as the coat of melancholy that I sometimes wear, it is extremely constricting somewhat like shape-wear a size too small in the later hours of a dinner party.  Not that I go to many dinner parties being fast still stuck.

2637 Fuller Figure - Hi-Wasit Long Leg

 

PS – I never look that happy when I wear shapewear either!

I have tried affirmations, self-development courses, retreats, writing, reading, exercise, dietary changes, going out on a (one) date, and sitting on my arse in my PJ’s eating Camembert and rice crackers while drinking wine and playing Skyrim on the X-Box but still stuck fast am I.  Whilst the last scenario sounds rather dreadful it is sadly the one that comforts me the most of late.  Yet, truthfully I live in perpetual paralysing fear that I will be that lady at 65 who is at home alone surfing the net for the best cat food bargains for her 27 moggies.

Eleanor_Abernathy

Don’t get me wrong, there are times where I get unstuck but something always reaches out and re-tethers me to this place where nothing inspires me much at all.  I go through the motions of showing great enthusiasm for life and start to reach out to friends and “do stuff” but just when I start to feel like I have cut the cord that binds me to the stuck place, something throws a challenge (read YET ANOTHER SHITTY THING) in my path, and like a rubber ball I bounce back … right into my stuck place and the tether reaches out like a tentacle to hold me fast again.  I am really tired of bouncing back when what I really want to do is fly!

I read this great post a while back We Must See Past What it Seems…about the silent signs that go unread, and I would encourage you all to read it as it is beautifully written.

I get that often times what it seems is that I am shallowly spurning the efforts that some of my friends have made to invite me places or do “stuff” with me … but I am sincere in saying that this is not the case.  I don’t really want to delve too deeply into this post about the why’s of that, because when I begin to I go to that melancholy place I realise that I am really very lonely.  And this scares the absolute crap out of me.

I guess what I am asking is for you to try again, and if I don’t answer my phone or give some excuse about a migraine or work or just not feeling up to it, PLEASE please don’t just text me and threaten to, please actually come around to my house and wait while I mumble some excuses about why I can’t, apologise for my messy house, and find some clothes that fit.  Please read my silent sign, which says “Please help me because I am stuck”.

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