Monthly Archives: November 2013

Nightmare on Ardleigh Crescent

The manifestation of my childhood trauma?

The manifestation of my childhood trauma?

Ok, so Ardleigh Crescent may not have the same ring to it as Elm Street, but for me, the nightmare I had last night resonated just as soundly as the ones I used to have many years ago as a very troubled teenager living in a very troubled home environment. Just like back in that time, the villain in last night’s nightmare had the face and persona of our friend Freddy Kreuger, who had first appeared in pop culture in 1984, the year that my mother married my stepfather and things in my world took a sinister turn. I think back to that time, and realise now that by making the villain Freddy in my nightly replays of certain events, did in fact make it easier to survive day by day because ultimately Johnny Depp and Co prevailed and Freddy was eventually vanquished … although we never quite know do we?

Fast forward to my forty year old confident self who has worked hard to overcome childhood traumas. I make a point in my life of today to actively live in the now, which means by default not reliving the past. So, I was very surprised that old scar face showed himself in my dream last night. When I woke up this morning, I recalled large chunks of it vividly, and whilst I don’t feel the need to expand on the content this morning, the subject matter and storyline involved my youngest daughter and would scare any parent.

But something was very different about this dream. Even though the Freddy was there and loomed large and scary, I actually wasn’t scared at all. I recall feeling enraged, irate that he would have the audacity to show up and even try it on! Even though the dream sequence took some scary turns and there were some close calls, I was able to thwart him at every stage. Hell, at one point I even recall spinning around with my dress shooting out flames, which was hell cool! (I do think this bit was more to do with the fact that the girls and I went to see Catching Fire last night and I was channeling a bit of Katniss Everdeen – Hell Yeah!).

Every scene culminated in me shepherding my girl and her friends to safety, and the finale was when I kicked Freddy’s ass UFC style (thanks to my son I know a bit about this), and took the sucker down in a mighty straight arm bar triple attack! I remember it took place in the driveway of my old house at 31 Gregory Street in Toowoomba, and I yelled out “Citizen’s arrest Kreuger … you are going down for a long long time!” … Cheesy maybe … empowering more so!

I used to wake up from Freddy dreams literally feeling like I had done battle, and sometimes I would have scratches on my arms or face that at the time made me very very scared, as I truly thought the bastard was real. Now I know that I probably scratched myself but at the time it made more sense that he was there as back then I did truly feel like I was living in an inescapable nightmare.

I am telling this story not because I need to revisit that time, but because my nightmare of last night had such a different feeling. Even though like in my past it played out on and off throughout the night – even after I got up and had a drink of water – I went back to the same scene as if it were merely an intermission. The major difference in last night’s dream was that not only was I the lead actor but I was also the director, and man that is empowering. Despite the action in my dream, I still woke up feeling refreshed and ready to have a great day!

If dreams are indeed a manifestation of our subconscious (and I will throw over to my good friend Melanie for comment on this), I am taking this one as a sign that my life is truly in a great place. The past few years have certainly had their peaks and troughs, and this has left me a little battered at times. But as the year draws to a close I know just how much I do have to be grateful for and just how many demons I have vanquished. Through my choice to work with my mentors (the film crew) and friends (the supporting cast), I have made so many amazing changes in my life, which of course has put me in a place where I can not only stand firm and protect my little family from whatever might come their way and through making a choice to live firmly in the now, I am also teaching them to do the same, which means I have created generational change, and by crikey I am proud of that!

I have a feeling there won’t be any more installments in this series. Besides, “Nightmare on Ardleigh Crescent 2” has no kind of ring to it at all.

 

 

 

Affirmations 101

I was never one for affirmations. Despite being given Louise Hay’s “You can Heal your Life” as a very troubled homeless teenager and immediately noting that there could be something in her teachings for me, it took another 25 years before I seriously embraced the power of affirmations. I was the quintessential cinic, the ultimate naysayer.
However, after really listening to the collective message of the successful people I now choose to surround myself with, I realised that they are all firm affirmers…
Was I convinced that affirmations would work for me? Not totally, but I decided to give them a go … on the fake it till you make it principle. I would stare cheesily into the mirror and rattle off something I thought sounded like an affirmation and proceed about my day. Suddenly I noticed that the thing I had affirmed that morning would manifest in some way during the day. It wasn’t huge to start with, but in the past few weeks the good fortune and success that has come my way just makes me want to jump for joy! My latest affimation: Anytime I step up and use the knowledge I have been given in order to be an entrepreneur, I experience open doors and a wealth of opportunities….
Watch this space people … I can’t wait to share all of the amazing opportunities that are coming my way …

Hold on to your hats … it is going to be extraordinary! (AKA You like me)

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I am loving life right now. Things are really coming together. I am achieving my dreams, and the momentum with which this is happening is crazy wonderful. I have clarity on this like never before. Within the next twelve months I will be a published author and a property entrepreneur. My corporate writing business is building at a pace that is manageable yet looks like being profitable. My health is on its way to being the best it has been in years. This detox is really working and I am not even hungry. I am not even struggling mentally with the fact that I won’t be eating cheese and crackers with smoked salmon accompanied by a chilled Marlborough SB tomorrow night, which is a bit of a Friday ritual (OK, that one pinches a little)! I caught up with a girlfriend the other afternoon after a stressful meeting and said “I need a herbal tea and an apple STAT!” … Admittedly, said GF nearly fell backwards in shock. Sorry Larsy I have not gone cray-cray, I am just getting real about what I would for the next decade – my fabulous forties.

Am I there yet? No … do I have a fair way to travel down the path to better health, wealth and fulfillment? Most definitely. Is it going to take as much hard work as say … doing a law degree or raising a couple of fantastic kids – you betcha. Am I going to need to keep getting tidier/more focused/on time/committed/organised … Yerp!

So what is different about things this time?

Many things … the pain of how I was living certain aspects of my life finally reached tipping point. The desire to have and hold certain other things grew too big to ignore. I had some honest conversations with my middle daughter, and we made a commitment to live healthier together. Plus recently I had yet another opportunity to learn a couple of somethings about myself – that it is OK (really OK) if people don’t like me, and that I don’t have to jump in/interrupt/rescue people in order to demonstrate that I am worthy/smart/likable/funny/attractive to men …

At the wedding that I attended recently, I met up with a woman who I knew back in high school. We were chatting about men, as single gals tend to eventually. She told me that all men are bastards. I told her I disagree. It really is about perspective isn’t it?

Home is where the heart is (and family is where you find them)

I started this post sitting at the Perth airport after an epic journey to Queensland and back to see my oldest and dearest friend Caroline marry the love of her life, the gorgeous (and patient) Keleigh. I couldn’t wait to be picked up so I can give the two children of mine who remain at home a big squeeze. It won’t be long until MD (middle daughter) Lily, like her big bro Harley before her leaves the nest, and then it will be Eden and I, and our aging menagerie left at home … here … in Perth…. which so far from some of those I love dearly.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so very grateful for the life I have carved out for myself here in the wild windy west, and I have many who I love (and who love me) over here, but it is when there are celebrations like these you realise that you may as well live on the moon (well not quite … let’s curb my inner drama queen now). But it is a long way to go to see loved ones. To re-frame that, this past weekend I realised that I am truly blessed to have loved ones in the West and East of this lovely land, and quite frankly I am chuffed. I had been feeling quite sad about anything “over East” since my Mum and Dad both passed away in recent months, and at times I have felt I have “nothing to come back home for”. The last time I left Queensland was after my Dad’s funeral in March, and I remember sitting at the Brissy airport with tired and sad children thinking that my heart would perhaps fall out of the bottom of the plane and be left behind in pieces on the tarmac.

This weekend I was proven wrong on so many levels. Not only was it just awesome to see Caro’s family, including her cousins Sam, Cassie and Jason with whom I share many hilarious childhood memories, but I also got totally embraced by her wonderful husband’s huge and friendly family, who “got” my jokes, didn’t mind my sentimentality and allowed me to share in their unique blend of casual and hilarious affection for each other. I reckon I have made some life long friends and the standing joke was that I had now added the “Davey” last name to that of Behan-O’Connor … which would make me K-Bod, which befits my celebrity status as a superstar crime novelist…

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So, K-Bod may have left the building, and indeed the state, but in the words of the Gubinator “I’ll be back”!