Fast still stuck I am. I thought perhaps if utter that phrase in a Yoda like manner, I may be less bored of it.
But it is not to be. My stuck-ness has become a part of me that while it is not as itchy as the coat of melancholy that I sometimes wear, it is extremely constricting somewhat like shape-wear a size too small in the later hours of a dinner party. Not that I go to many dinner parties being fast still stuck.
PS – I never look that happy when I wear shapewear either!
I have tried affirmations, self-development courses, retreats, writing, reading, exercise, dietary changes, going out on a (one) date, and sitting on my arse in my PJ’s eating Camembert and rice crackers while drinking wine and playing Skyrim on the X-Box but still stuck fast am I. Whilst the last scenario sounds rather dreadful it is sadly the one that comforts me the most of late. Yet, truthfully I live in perpetual paralysing fear that I will be that lady at 65 who is at home alone surfing the net for the best cat food bargains for her 27 moggies.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times where I get unstuck but something always reaches out and re-tethers me to this place where nothing inspires me much at all. I go through the motions of showing great enthusiasm for life and start to reach out to friends and “do stuff” but just when I start to feel like I have cut the cord that binds me to the stuck place, something throws a challenge (read YET ANOTHER SHITTY THING) in my path, and like a rubber ball I bounce back … right into my stuck place and the tether reaches out like a tentacle to hold me fast again. I am really tired of bouncing back when what I really want to do is fly!
I read this great post a while back We Must See Past What it Seems…about the silent signs that go unread, and I would encourage you all to read it as it is beautifully written.
I get that often times what it seems is that I am shallowly spurning the efforts that some of my friends have made to invite me places or do “stuff” with me … but I am sincere in saying that this is not the case. I don’t really want to delve too deeply into this post about the why’s of that, because when I begin to I go to that melancholy place I realise that I am really very lonely. And this scares the absolute crap out of me.
I guess what I am asking is for you to try again, and if I don’t answer my phone or give some excuse about a migraine or work or just not feeling up to it, PLEASE please don’t just text me and threaten to, please actually come around to my house and wait while I mumble some excuses about why I can’t, apologise for my messy house, and find some clothes that fit. Please read my silent sign, which says “Please help me because I am stuck”.