Blame it on the Bunnies…

So the “fast stuck I am” post of last week feeling is starting to dissipate.  Thanks to some lovely friends who took the time to read it, look past the self deprecating and maudlin tone to make contact with me, I have started to shake myself out of the gloom.  I have been reassured by a couple of my friends that is OK to be in that space, and it does not necessarily mean that I am going to keep going backwards, and I don’t need to catastrophise it, it is just that I am just having an off couple of days.  Anyway, one of my girlfriends and I reckon if all else fails, we can blame it on the bunnies (an inside joke that doesn’t translate too well into blogspeak).

Today I can see all of the positives about my “current situation”.  Sure the work I do to produce an income may not be that exciting, but then again, I was never actually excited when I was living my corporate life (corporate lie?).  Being stressed and working from 7:00am to 7:30pm and the last to leave an office does not equal excitement, no matter how much of a spin I used to put on it.

Whilst I find all of the clichés, “everything happens for a reason”, “every cloud has a silver lining” etc. really hard to stomach when I am feeling low, on days like today when things are looking better, I can swallow them and keep them down (provided I have had at least 3 coffees and a muesli bar).  There really are a lot of positives about my life right now, and my eternal challenge is to rise above my ego and see them. I mean, I always used to complain about not seeing enough of my kids (well the two that are still in the nest) now I am home for them more and I think they really like that, although they may not admit it openly.  I really like being home when they come in the door from school or being able to pick them up, even if they go straight to their rooms to Facebook/Snapchat/Tumblr stepping straight over the pile of dirty washing that I have pointedly left in the corridor…

I used to complain about not having enough money.  Well, when is there ever “enough” money?  I have to admit working for myself has meant that there have been some lean weeks but hey when weren’t there?  There is more to life than money, and I know that if I do a certain amount of bread and butter work, there will be enough to provide what is needed.  The biggest challenge for me in the money stakes is discipline and organisation, but hell, I am sure I am not alone there.

I have complained of feeling very lonely, and because I have lost a few loved ones, I have been single since Noah built the ark and have only lived in Perth for a relatively short time it has become a little but easy to stay there – in lonely land.  My challenge here is to not feel ashamed of being lonely and therefore isolate myself even more, but to make the effort to connect with the many friends I do have.  Even though sometimes when I am low, I find it easier to hide away at home I always feel better after a few hours spent with friends (especially when our discussions centre around the Q7700, the master of all bidets … you know who you are!) …

http://www.bizwinkorea.com/bidet-shop/quoss-bidet-store/quoss-q-7700-korea-remote-control-electronic-bidet-bathroom-toilet-seat-washlet-premium-luxury-highest-class-bidet-ce.html

So, in short I am a little less fast stuck this week, I am 🙂

Fast still stuck I am.

Fast still stuck I am.  I thought perhaps if utter that phrase in a Yoda like manner, I may be less bored of it.

But it is not to be.  My stuck-ness has become a part of me that while it is not as itchy as the coat of melancholy that I sometimes wear, it is extremely constricting somewhat like shape-wear a size too small in the later hours of a dinner party.  Not that I go to many dinner parties being fast still stuck.

 

PS – I never look that happy when I wear shapewear either!

I have tried affirmations, self-development courses, retreats, writing, reading, exercise, dietary changes, going out on a (one) date, and sitting on my arse in my PJ’s eating Camembert and rice crackers while drinking wine and playing Skyrim on the X-Box but still stuck fast am I.  Whilst the last scenario sounds rather dreadful it is sadly the one that comforts me the most of late.  Yet, truthfully I live in perpetual paralysing fear that I will be that lady at 65 who is at home alone surfing the net for the best cat food bargains for her 27 moggies.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times where I get unstuck but something always reaches out and re-tethers me to this place where nothing inspires me much at all.  I go through the motions of showing great enthusiasm for life and start to reach out to friends and “do stuff” but just when I start to feel like I have cut the cord that binds me to the stuck place, something throws a challenge (read YET ANOTHER SHITTY THING) in my path, and like a rubber ball I bounce back … right into my stuck place and the tether reaches out like a tentacle to hold me fast again.  I am really tired of bouncing back when what I really want to do is fly!

I read this great post a while back We Must See Past What it Seems…about the silent signs that go unread, and I would encourage you all to read it as it is beautifully written.

I get that often times what it seems is that I am shallowly spurning the efforts that some of my friends have made to invite me places or do “stuff” with me … but I am sincere in saying that this is not the case.  I don’t really want to delve too deeply into this post about the why’s of that, because when I begin to I go to that melancholy place I realise that I am really very lonely.  And this scares the absolute crap out of me.

I guess what I am asking is for you to try again, and if I don’t answer my phone or give some excuse about a migraine or work or just not feeling up to it, PLEASE please don’t just text me and threaten to, please actually come around to my house and wait while I mumble some excuses about why I can’t, apologise for my messy house, and find some clothes that fit.  Please read my silent sign, which says “Please help me because I am stuck”.